Here is a hot take of my NFL Power Rankings going into Week Nine. Oh yeah, these are better than that psychopath Chris Simm’s rankings… dude has the craziest look in his eye after his awful NFL career breakdown. Anyway, enjoy.
- E-A-G-L-E-S. EAGLES! (7-1)
Ginger advocate Carson Wentz sold his soul to the devil so the Eagles could be the best team in the league.
Wentz makes his mediocre WR’s Alshon Jeffrey, Ertz, Torrey Smith, and Nelson Agholor look like they don’t deserve their shitty madden ratings. That Offensive Line must be made entirely of those kids they say are related to Ghangis Khan because they’re like the Great Wall of China. Also, my dude Ajayi offering a shifty side to complement the Fat Blount…just wow.
2. The Chiefs (6-2)
The Chief of Headcoaches Andy Reid has turned this team around, though it takes him about a year to fully spin on his orbit.
Couldn’t even wrap the text around this big boy. Wash up Alex Smith has finally got out of his drier cycle, Krispy Kareem and Tyfreak run an offense that just can’t be kept up with.
And that defense? They’re good I think.
The wins haven’t been too pretty, but damn if Tom Brady isn’t the Derek Jeter of the NFL, then spank me hot and call me Andy Reid’s right nipple. He is too clutch. Some call it cheating, I call it clutch. The defense sucks, but if they’re progressing.
4. C-Hawks (5-2)
Though their offensive line and running game is total crap, the virgin Russell Wilson is just playing like God Damn Jesus. The defense is playing pretty well, but god damn Russ is a competitor. His ability to run away from defenders like he did for years with vaginas is too damn much for other defenses.
5. Dykings (6-2)
How the f**k are the Vikings 6-2? I thought Case Keenum was trash. The defense for the Vikings has done well and their O-line is all that those pussies over at Bleacher Report talk about. The offensive line is doing so well that anyone you throw in back there is gonna do well.
6. NOLA (5-2)
What is uglier, New Orleans after Hurrican Katrina or Drew Brees’s birthmark?
For a while, their defense was classified as a level 3 hurricane. But as of late, the Saints D has been locking teams down.
The Saints offense has and always will be a high scoring team with Drew back there, so with the Defense playing well, the Saints are actually a solid team. Also, I am glad Arian Peterson isn’t on the team anymore…he didn’t fit into Sean Payton’s operation where he’d have the Saints pay players extra money to knock people out of games. Other NFL players were a little older than the people AP is used to beating.
7. PIT (6-2)
The Steelers are the most undeserving 6-2 team. I like watching the Steelers on occasion, but Big Ben literally has been GIVING the ball to the other team. For real, it’s like Big Ben has money on himself throwing the most interceptions in a single season. Le’Veon just started playing better and the defense gets a solid B+, but damn, AB’s little bitch out on the sidelines and Martavis Bryant crying for the ball is not the steel city mentality. Only good Ju Ju allowed you whiners, only good JuJu (smith-shuster).
8. Bills (5-3)
Love em. Don’t care what you say, they are top 10. They looked fucking awful tonight, but still. That defense is doing well, Tyrod seems to have finally hit his stride. Kinda. Lesean McCoy is the GOAT, and they made god damn moves with Kelvin Benjamin. Absolute Kelvin, Jordy Nelson, and Zay Jones is a solid WR corps. haven’t made the playoffs since 1999 which isn’t great, but whatever.
9. Ramhole (5-2)
cRAM it up your cRAM hole, Lafluer. Was it the stardom with the move to LA? Was it the fact that Sean McVay has been jamming magic “good coaching” dildos up his ass? The world may never know, but a few things are for sure: GoffDaddy is playing better than expected, the defense is doing iight, and Todd Gurley is killing it in fantasy, so ya know, they’re solid.
10. The Cowboys Are back, the boys are back (4-3)
Yeah Zeke is finally gone because he beat a woman (any Joe Mixon updates, btw?), but will that affect the team that much? That offensive line is so good that the Cowboys are putting up super high scoring games and they’re fun as hell to watch. They’re 4-3, but they were tough losses, and I really don’t know who else I’d put as better than them.
11. Cam and his PussyCats (5-3)
Oh yeah, I was debating putting the Panthers higher than the Cowboys. But I just cannot get around the fact that Cam is playing like he is a Camgirl for those websites that pop up when you are watching porn. His offense doesn’t have a lot of weapons and McCaffrey is playing how you might expect considering he is…. different. The defense has struggled lately and so I just don’t think they’re top10.
All the rest of the teams kind of suck.
12. The Packers…? (4-3)
I guess would be next even without A-rog?
They definitely still seem like they’re struggling. They should throw Mike McCarthy’s fat ass in there.
13. The Detroit Loiiiiins (3-4)
The loins had a Win taken back from them by the Damn Dirty Ape Refs. The Lions defense is playing good as hell according to ESPN Fantasy App, and Matt Stafford just became the richest man in the league. They’re doing alright man, they’re doing alright (Gave Stafford all that cash so he’d never leave, ensuring they’ll never go 0-16 while he is around).
14. The Jags (4-4)
Because Fournette is running so well that he is far in distance away from all the problems he had while in Louisiana…. hush hush. Bortles stopped Bortling this season and the Wide receivers aren’t shitting the bed like last year (thanks fucking Allen Robinson). And the defense is always good.
15. Tight-asses (4-3)
Marcus MAriota’s little ass has been rammed not only by the Rams, but all four o their teams this year. Everyone said they’d be good, but the run-game seems like it doesn’t know what it wants to do and the passing game has been subpar (Eric Decker, take your dick out of your smoke show of a wife and catch something). Any team that goes to overtime with the Browns and wins on a field goal to go up 0-3 (basically it was like watching a game that was 0-0) deserves to get rammed in the ass.
16. The Broncos (3-4)
The Broncos defense is obviously so good…having a running back on your fantasy team that is playing them is a nightmare. After their first three or four games, I would have said they were one of the best in the NFL. And then Trevor Simian became Trevor Seman-Guzzler and the entire offense turned the ball over way too many times to throw them on the losing streak.
Trevor’s little peep is legit being grabbed here….For real is Trevor Semen.
Moving along, a good defense is NOT a good offense because the Broncos offense has looked abysmal.
Is big cock Brock the answer? In any case, Trevor Simian stepping over and swallowing his pride…and semen.
17. Falcons (4-3)
Matty-Ice has been ice cold as the Falcons have been shitting the bed. The defense is apparently supposed to be good, but barely beat the Jets.
Matt Ryan has a ton of weapons to use too (Devonta Freeman, Tevin Coleman, Julia Jones, Sanu, Taylor Gabriel, Hoooooooooop), but just can’t seem to get that MVP caliber playback. Makes the Pats comeback win last year less fun.
This picture is funny as shit. I can just feel Matt Ryan’s hair falling out from offensive stress.
18. Jets (3-4)
Speaking of things that have been a disappointment, The Jets definitely have not. Oh fuck you, I know you think differently…sorry I have an original thought for once don’t think the Jets suck too badly. For a team that lost Eric Decker and Quincy Enunwa, and didn’t know who their QB was, the team is scrappy as ell. They smacked the Bills and almost beat the Pats, and lost to the dolphins. McCown’s chin is impressively large.
19. Cry me a Dry Phillip Rivers (3-5)
This joke was so fucking bad. It was meant to jab at the fact that Rivers constantly has temper tantrums and is “dry” because they moved to LA and California always is in a drought, but I realized that even that doesn’t make fucking sense because they were in San Diego before they moved.
Anyway, yeah, the offense is really good just not playing to their full potential. Started out bad, won 3 in a row, lost another, and he we are. They should win some more. Hey, I’ll go to some LA Chargers games is Phillip ramps up the tantrums.
20. The Raiders (3-5)
The Raiders have been conducting their team like a reality TV show. We’re going to Vegas Bitch!!!!!!! Marshawn Lynch took a second from getting a blowie from Pat McCafee so he could fight a ref on behalf of Marcus Peters. In any case, Marshawn hasn’t been the stud we thought he’d be in the raiders. Amari Cooper has been fucking absent except for that one week, and Derek Carr has been putting on so much eyeliner that he’s considering a career change in Drag.
21. MIAMI (4-3)
nothing to do with football, but has there ever been a less intimidating mascot? I wonder if that is why the Ace Ventura used the Dolphin mascot because it was the least intimidating live animal. In any case, they’re the only team without a rushing touchdown, but the only team with Jay Chicken Cutlets. No More Moore sucked last week. Just throwing that out there. Head Coach Adam Gase literally said his players suck, and the one piece of light, Jay Ajayi, is at the Eagles.
22. The Redskins (3-4)
YOU LIKE THAT? This weekend, the Cowboys straight up dragged the Redskins down the Trail of Tears like our foreskin fathers did when Romo’s (4x) great-grandfather made the Indians get badly beaten in foosball. Jon Gruden’s less successful and wy less funny younger brother couldn’t lead to warriors of Kirk’s Rebellion to beat Jerry Jone’s and his butt puppet’s.
Anyway, Kirk doesn’t have WR’s to throw to, though he has been actually playing pretty well. The Skins offensive line is made of college 3rd string o-lineman. The defense is okay, but Josh Norman’s squadron is too banged up to play well.
23. Houston’s Hurricane Harvey (3-4).
After the Hurricane, the Texans basically were playing Water Polo out there. I mean, damn, how the hell did the city flood that much?
Anyway, with Deshaun and Houston’s spoiled little prick son JJ Watt hurt, let us all take a moment of silence for the Texan’s season.
Look at this little fucking bitch. “Oh my finger? Yeah, I just broke it in three places and dislocated it… it was really nothing I am just too tough to tell you how much it hurt. I only cried watching Bambi twice.”
“Just not gonna wipe my nose so the paparazzi can get a sweet pic…taste the blood, drink your motivation…NOBODY MAKES JJ BLEED HIS OWN BLOOD.”
The remaining teams fucking blow. Fuck you JJ.
24. The members of this team are part of an Elite squad known as the special victims unit (4-4)
Joe Flacco isn’t elite. Doesn’t he have the 2nd worst passer rating? Edgar Allen Poe wrote “The Raven” as a nod to their awful offensive production. The defense is back to the old Ravens defense now as they are just fucking killing it in fantasy. After player with the most fun name to say, Kiko Alonso, almost murdered Flacco, Ryan Mallett will be getting the start for this shitty offense. Get John Harbaugh some anti-coagulants to get his damn blood pressure down… that man is a psycho.
25. The Bengals (3-4)
The Red Rocket and his whacky ass eyebrows haven’t been enough to instill fear into defenses eyes.
Does he open beer bottles with those eyebrows?
The Bengals offensive line is so bad that I fear for Andy Dalton’s safety every snap. The defense is actually been good against the run, but NOT GOOd ENOUGH. Dalt literally only has AJ Green to throw it to–the other WR’s have been ass jones….come on Tyler Boyd rep Pitt, man. Joe Mixon hasn’t lived up to the hype, but demanded more opportunities for the ball and to make a play. The staff should listen to his warning unless they wanna get a Mixon Lickin like that poor woman.
26. The Cardinals (3-4)
Speaking of hitting humans, Adrian Peterson looked like he was back to being a savage against the Bucs. It was a little shine of light for their disappointing team–someone to take David Johnson’s spot. But last week, the truth came out as AP’s ass got rammed by the Rams. The defense has disappointed as well, although it doesn’t help when the offense goes three and you every time. With Carson Palmer out for the szn, the Cardinals are bound to eat ass the rest of the season…in the bad way.
Someone tell AP to imagine the defense as his kids (kinda like The Waterboy) so he can just truck through them.
27. The Tampa Bay Cuckaneers (2-5)
The Tampa Bucs have an awful defense. Though they’re 2-5, their wins were against the Giant Pussies and the Bears. Doug Martin is off suspension and playing like the best shitty running back. Jameis has had his focus on those crabs he stole back in the day.
Deadliest Catch, without the crabs, we’re almost out of gas, Call the ARABS!!!! We sail around the world going port to port, every time I cum I produce a quart.
He should be focusing on getting the ball to Mike Evans and Desean Jackson, the duo of which have been a massive disappointment. Also, Desean Jackson is the Aldi’s brand of Terrell Owens.
28. Da Bears (3-4)
Tarik Cohen is no longer able to channel his inner Darren Sproles, and the Bears have been struggling. Zach Miller almost lost his leg and DID lose the TD, and Jordan Howard can’t seem to get anything going. Mitchell Trubisky is a playmaker, but he can’t keep winning with few competitions (averaging 9.5 completions in last 4 games). The defense is crap. Bears take absolutely massive shits, like their team is this season.
29. Colts out of Luck (2-6)
What would be better for Colt’s fans…getting hammered every Sunday or the Stanford Stickler coming back from his injury? Well, Andy is dandy, but liquor is quicker. Drink up INDY because you are out of Luck…get it? He’s on IR for the season. I still don’t know what his injury is. In any case, The Colts suck all around…even old as shit Frank the Tank Gore isn’t doing well. PEACE Chuck Pagano.
30. The 49ers (0-8)
The 49ers are allotted one more loss until they have to go on a four-game win streak so they can be the 4-9ers (or the 4-9 49er, or the 492ers). I wonder how many times that joke has been made. Why aren’t the 49ers either the worst or second worst team in the league? Because so many of their games were lost by less than 3…the wins have to start coming soon. With Jimmy the Kid Garappolo, maybe the 49ers will start winning. They suck otherwise.
31. The Giant Vaginas
The New York Giants have been playing worse than Ben MacAdoo’s mustache and hairstyle looks.
We heard that all these moves int he offseason were made to make them awesome…you know, Brandom Marshall and Evan Engram joining ODBJ and Sterling Shepard to give Eli some targets he can just throw in the general direction at. Paul Perkins was coming back who was apparently good for a second but ended up sucking balls. Even though Shep, B-Marsh, and ODBJ went down with injuries, did we ever really expect the Giants to be good?
I mean, at absolute best, Eli would just toss the ball up and hope for the best with his WR’s.
The Giants haven’t had a good RB since Tiki Barber… and Tiki wasn’t even to good Barber brother–well, that isn’t entirely true…remember that one season they threw that fat fuck Brandon Jacob’s in there and they told him there was a buffet in the end zone and that all the opposing players were made of vegetables?
The Rooney’s should think about firing MacAdoo’s lip landing strip.
…are so bad. Pick a god damn quarterback and stick with him….Hogan and Kizer must have like zero confidence now. Run the fucking ball with Duke Johnson and Isaiah Crowell….dudes were studs in college and all I heard in the preseason was “how good the Browns offensive line is.” FAKE NEWS. Everyone said “draft Crowell… Hugh Jackson said he regrets not running it with Crowell more and he’s gonna get a ton of carries…he was sneakily top20 last year.” MY ASS. Crowell has been trash. And the run defense is actually solid….so focus on the damn pass defense.
Can the Dolans and the Cavs owners like sit down the Brown’s owners Jimmy and Dee Haslem and be like, “yo, fucking start winning like SOME games…anything that is just somewhat respectable…trade or get new coaches or do SOMETHING.”
Not a Browns fan in the slightest it is just almost annoying how bad they always are. I mean, The Cavs and The Indians are so damn good right now and the Browns just haven’t pulled their weight in years.