Draft Day RESULTS–From Best to Worst

Dave (AVERAGE RANK: 5.3)

1.       Dave

2.       Pete

3.       Sean

4.       Mark

5.       Jimmy

6.       Mike

7.       Alex

8.       Conor

9.       Chris

10.    Mead

1ST) PETE

(ADP: 2.3)

 

 

2ND) SEAN

(ADP: 3.9)

Conor (AVERAGE RANK: 8.6)

1.       Pete

2.       Sean

3.       Mark

4.       Dave

5.       Alex

6.       Mead

7.       Conor

8.       Mike

9.       Chris

10.    Jim

Pete (AVERAGE RANK: 2.3)

1.       me

2.       Dave

3.       mike

4.       mark

5.       Chris

6.       Sean

7.       alex

8.       Conor

9.       jim

10.    mead

3RD) ALEX

(ADP: 4.6)

 

 

 

 

4TH) MIKE

(ADP: 4.9)

Chris (AVERAGE RANK: 5.8)

1.       Pete

2.       Chris

3.       Mark

4.       Mead

5.       Alex

6.       Sean

7.       Jim

8.       Dave

9.       Mike

10.    Conor

Mead (AVERAGE RANK: 7.9)

1.       Alex

2.       Chris

3.       Sean

4.       mike

5.       Pete

6.       me

7.       jim

8.       Mark

9.       Dave

10.    Conor

5TH) MARK

(ADP: 5.1)

 

 

 

6TH) DAVE

(ADP: 5.3)

 

Mike (AVERAGE RANK: 4.9)

1.       Alex

2.       Chris

3.       Pete

4.       Mike

5.       Sean

6.       Dave

7.       Jim

8.       Conor

9.       Mead

10.    Mark

Mark (AVERAGE RANK: 5.1)

1.       Pete

2.       Sean

3.       Dave

4.       Mike

5.       Me

6.       Jim

7.       Mead

8.       Chris

9.       Conor

10.    Alex

7TH)CHRIS

(ADP: 5.8)

 

 

 

 

8TH) JIM

(ADP: 6.4)

 Sean (AVERAGE RANK: 3.9)

1.       Mike

2.       Pete

3.       Sean

4.       Mark

5.       Dave

6.       Chris

7.       Alex

8.       Jim

9.       Conor

10.    Mead

Alex (AVERAGE RANK: 4.6)

1.       Alex

2.       Mike

3.       Petey

4.       Jim

5.       Chris

6.       Sean

7.       Mark

8.       Conor

9.       Dave

10.    Mead

9TH) MEAD

(ADP: 7.9)

 

 

 

 

10) WEED

(ADP: 8.6)

James (AVERAGE RANK: 6.4)

1.       Jim

2.       Alex

3.       Mark

4.       Pete

5.       Sean

6.       Dave

7.       Mead

8.       Mike

9.       Conor

10.    Chris

Last Regular Season Power Rankings

Absolutely loved the regular season. Love being your commissioner, and I love this league. And I appreciate the guys who read this every week, even though it isn’t the best weekly content, it’s filled with love, and that is what counts. And also I am in first…that defintely helps with motivation. I wonder if I would keep up with this if I was in Dave’s spot. Probably, I love this league too much to the point where I think I am becoming a #BavaroWinner, but a #RealLifeLoser.

Just before we begin, I have decided that the icon for our lovely league shall be a picture of the reigning, defending champion, as they deserve the title being the face of our league. The beef face icon is in full effect.

Current Crap:

Final Regular Szn Power Rankings Overall Rankings/Standings
1st Michael Michael Gowen 1st Sean
2nd Sean 2nd Alex
3rd Alex 3rd Michael
4th Mark 4th Scamming Gammond
5th Conor 5th Marky Mark
T-6th Mead 6th Jimbo
T-6th Chris 7th Mr. Meedee
8th Jim 8th Chris Korn
9th Pete 9th Reef and Beef
10th David Elenor 10th David Elenor Tan Groff
DFC STANDINGS PFC STANDINGS
1st Alex 1st Sean
2nd Jim 2nd Michael Michael Gowen
T-3rd Chris 2nd Conor
T-3rd Pete 2nd Mark
5th David Elenor 5th Mead
RANK/TEAM POINTS
1st Sean 1,117
2nd Michael Michael Gowen 1,1106
3rd Mead 1,077
4th Alex 1,053
5th Chris the Kornheiser 1,036
6th Conor 1,014
7th Reef and Beef 994
8th Marky Mark 955
9th Jimbo 954
10th David 849

1st) Chaz Michael Michael Gowen (6-6)

…skates his way to the top of the rankings. I am about 90% sure he’ll make the playoffs, though he is 6-6 and has to play Mead, who is on a hot streak. I think Mike’s team is the best because he has just barely fewer points than me, and a LOT more points against me.

Yes, Mike is on a two game losing streak, but both weeks were heartbreaking losses. All you can ask for is 110+ point games, which his last two were. His team is hot right now, ad I think he is gonna make a run in the playoffs.

2nd) The Commish (9-3)

Throwing my self at second because, yes I am doing well, but I am pessimistic. To start, my Redskins players shat the bed this Thursday, so I definitely might lose. Secondly, Kareem Hunt is not a weekly starter, and now I have to choose between Samaje Perine, Kenyon Drake, Tevin Coleman, and Frank Gore as a low-end RB2. And Lesean, AJ green, and Keenan Allen are super inconsistent. Basically I need em to stay hot.

I grew out the palyoff mustache for the run:

Screen Shot 2017-12-02 at 5.56.41 AM

Unfortunately, at that angle, I look like Ben McAdoo so I am a little worried about the playoffs.

How I actually look vs. How I think I look

3rd) Alex (8-4)

Could not put Alex first or second because of his “win” against the crapshoot Dave Groff. Alex scathed by and just put up a few teams. Like my team, everyone is super inconsistent on Alex’s squad.

Alex actually only has the 4th most points. He has only one game of 100+ points, six games of under 90 points, and six games at the 90+ point mark. So he’s all over the place. Huge matchup for Chris, though it doesn’t really affect Alex as he definitely makes it to the semifinals no matter what.

4th) Mark (6-6)

I know Marky Mark’s team sits only at 6-6 with only the 7th most points (955), his 3 game hot streak has landed him at the 5th place spot in the playoff bracket, currently. Though that could change, Mark has reason to be optimistic as his team got hot at the right time.

Though I don’t love the players on his team, they keep producing–it’s hard to argue with the numbers. Mark scored 93, 109, and 112 points during his recent 3 game win streak, averaging 104.666666666667 per outing.

It’s a good time for Big Ben to get hot.

5th) Conor (6-6)

Conor’s monstrous game propelled him to a 4th place spot in the current playoff bracket. Though 171 points is just an incomprehensible amount, I have Conor at 5th because I don’t think he’ll thrive in the playoffs–though it is looking like he’ll make it in the bracket (currently 4th).

To start, anyone that sends this text cannot win our league:

Conors text lol

Literally, wtf were you thinking when you typed that out. I think you meant: Most points in a single game, weed guy.

Secondly, Julio Jones before this game was the 15th WR. His huge game put him all the way up at 3rd. Julio Jones is not gonna do anything near that ever again…I honestly think it might just be a one and done type game… a stat booster.

Joe Mixon’s first good game of the year! Yay! He won’t suck the rest of the year! oh wait, he will.

Lastly, this prick has a favorable schedule the last few weeks, but throws picks like a motherfucker and never does well for a long string of games:

I dare him to get 28 points again. Alvin Kamara… yeah, he’s good. There’s your bright spot.

T-6th) Mead 

Mead and Chris’s team are tied because they are so similar of team’s. They both are so boom or bust, both have solid names on their teams, both are 5-7 and both have tough games this last week to try and thwart them into the playoffs and out of punishment potential.

Mead’s inconstancy the last three games: 51 points, 126 points, 115 points. Literally will have an awful week, and then score almost 2.5x more the next week.

Also, Mead said just a few words that shook the entire league for a few hours, only to find out were all really, really dumb and never counted:

Mead's text lol

T-6th) Chris

Everything you need to know about Chris’s team was said in Mead’s column. Once ranked #1 in the Power Rankings, the inconsistency of his squad has caused him to fall. It’s the curse of first, I tell ya…everyone loses when they’re put first.

Anyway, Chris’s team and Mead’s team both have been inconsistent, causing them to be middle of the pack with serious upside. Both could get into the playoffs. Chris’s last 8 games just show the inconsistency:

  • Week 5: 66 pts
  • Wk 6: 115 pts
  • Wk 7:  114 pts
  • Wk 8: 74 pts
  • Wk 9:  111 pts
  • Wk 10: 122 pts
  • Wk 11: 65 pts
  • Wk 12: 70 pts

AKA: super low, very high, very high, very low, very high, super high, super low, very low.

Screen Shot 2017-12-02 at 5.11.58 AM

The line graph looks  like a child scribbling with a crayon.

Nervous though about Chris’s team this week: he’s risking it to get the biscuit, starting Josh McCown, Cooper Kupp, and McCaffrey over Devonta Freeman. Let’s goooooo Barn.

8th) Jim (6-6)

Jim is in the playoffs right now, but he just hasn’t scored well at all lately. Jim is 9th in points (954) and is on a downwards trend. Since week 7, his squad has averaged only 70.33333 points per game. Jim only has one game in the 100+ point category, and only two in the 90+ area–everything else is under that.

I literally do not know how he has scathed by to 6th. Getting knocked out of the playoffs is very possible for Jim, though I hope he beats Conor.

Screen Shot 2017-10-24 at 7.40.12 PM

Sad!

9th) Pete

Abysmal. I don’t think I need to explain the meltdown that happened to Beeeeeef after losing O’dell, A-Rog, and Zeke. Huge game against Dave will secure him out of the punishment, but a playoff birth is very unlikely.

Coincidence? I THINK NOT. That’s an “incredible” references for all you uneducated monkeys.

I THINK NOT

I cant figure out how to embed this god damn thing.

10th) Dave

Last in points, last in record, last in Beef appearances. Maybe the spray tan will give that florida glow we were all expecting him to come back with after Freshman year.

Screen Shot 2017-10-24 at 7.40.00 PM
Me and my best friend, we’re all misunderstood. They say we TAN for nothing and, there’s no way we ever could

See some of you in the playoffs. Got some mighty content in store for the future.

Everyone’s Head to Head Advantages and the Tanning Bed Diagram

Everyone’s head to head record’s EXCEPT Alex and Sean, as they have clinched.

Dave(4-8)

Head to Head Over: Chris, Conor, Mark

Last Game: Pete (5-7)

Pete (5-7)

Head to Head Over: Conor (and Dave, but still with a game to play)

Last Game: Dave (4-8)

Conor (6-6)

Head to Head Over: Mead, Chris (and Jim, but plays another weekend)

Last Game: Jim (6-6)

Jim (6-6)

Head to Head Over: Mead, Dave

Last Game: Conor (6-6)

Mead (5-7)

Head to Head Over: Dave, Pete

Last Game: Mike (6-6)

Mike (6-6)

Head to Head Over: Jim, Dave, Pete

Last Game: Mead (5-7)

Mark (6-6)

Head to Head Over: Mark, Mead, Mike

Last Game: Sean (9-3)

Chris (5-7)

Head to Head Over: Mark, Mead, Mike

Last Game: Alex (8-4)

 

The Tanning Bed Conondrum on Everyone’s Mind

Everyone is wondering what to expect if Dave wins/Pete loses this weekend, and Chris and Mead lose, leaving four teams at (5-8). This problem must be dealt with ASAP as this outcome is very likely considering Pete’s team is putting up points in the 50’s each week, and both Chris and Mead have tough matchups.

If All these teams finish at (5-8), this is the Head to Head Situation:

Dave has head to head over Chris,

Chris has head to head over Mead,

Mead has head to head over Dave,

Mead has head to head over Pete.

 

Here is a Diagram

Diagram

 

A name pointed at another means that person has the head to head record over the other. So for example, Mead has the head to head over pete.

 

Of course, all of this will be moot if Dave loses, or if Mead and Chris win.

 

 

Power Rankings Weeks 11-12

Happy Thanksgiving League Members. I know that we joke all the time and smack talk is integral to our league, but I love this league with all my heart. We are different from every other league because we all put forth the effort. I am proud.

Fantasy Genesis: 

Was the Pilgrim’s religious freedom worth it? You left because you feared persecution for not being members of the Church of England. But you constantly fear an attack from the savage, barbaric Natives anyway–the Indians. You knew they were not from India, but you said fuck it and decided to call them Indians anyway.

You thought you’d have more food here in New England, but it is bloody fucking cold and you can’t plant jack shit on the land. You were studying to be a plumber, how the hell do you plant anything?

You are constantly sick, and constantly tired. There is an old lady in the town that just sort of stands there and stares at you, and you can’t seem to get away from her. She is so scary, the way she watches you like that.  She is in your nightmares, so you called her a witch and burned her. Now you’re a killer, on top of dealing with starvation, sickness, your starving kids, and crippling depression.

And to top it off, you are pretty sure one of the Mayflower’s crew members fucked your wife.

Then, Squanto came, and he said:

“ee-nay-chuck, we’ll show how to live you cucks. In exchange, you will help us set up our Fantasy League… does this tickle your intrigue? We Indians invented the art of timing our rhyming.”

And so, the Pilgrims explained that for a Fantasy league to exist, they must first set up the  NFL. And so, the creation of the Football, the NFL, and Fantasy leagues was celebrated between the two groups during the feast of Thanksgiving. The

The first Fantasy League’s commissioner was deemed John Smith.

And at the finale of the meal, the Indians asked that an NFL team be named the “Redskins” and that they be “America’s team.”

And then the Cowboys went West and demolished all of the Native Americans, and the Cowboys created their own team, ousting the Resdkins, and self-proclaiming that they are America’s team for the “white man.”

Now, we celebreate the creation of Football and Fantasy Football every Thanksgiving. True Story.


Don’t Call it A Cumback

As the clock wound down, I prayed for a Blair Walsh miss so that the C-Hawx would lose to the Falcons.

Antonio Brown put up an absurd 32 points last Thursday. It looked grim for my team. A win looked unlikely.

Come Monday, Stealth was up 110-76. He projected at 115, and I projected at a meager 102. But low and behold, Russ the Bus Willy is Silly went nuts scoring Touchdown’s and ran for an insane amount of yards. It was like having an extra runninback play along with my QB.

When Krispy Kareem took the lead of 117-115 and Blair Walsh went out to kick the field goal, I prayed he’d miss, so that the game wouldn’t go into overtime. I did not want the risk of Mike’s Seahawks D/ST to get a chance to overturn anything or get any points.

And his pussy little leg couldn’t reach the field goal. Game over, Krispy wins.

Quickie

1st) Alex
2nd) Kornheiser
TIE 3rd)  Sean
TIE 3rd) Stealth
5th) Mead
6th) Mark
7th) Pete
8th) Jim
9th) Dave
10th) Conor

So far, every time I have placed a team first (except for Alex), they have disappointed dramatically in the game(s) afterward:

PR Weeks one to three (Dave ranked #1): Went on 7 games losing streak
PR Weeks four to seven (Mike 1st): Went on a 3 game losing streak
PR Weeks eight to nine (Me 1st): Went on 3 game losing streak
PR Week ten (Chris 1st): Scored 65 in loss to Dave.

1st) The Underdog
Alex really doesn’t ever really put up bad numbers. His lows are like in the high 80s.  He scored 113 this week and will secure his first place in the DFC. Chris Thompson being out hurts and Mariota isn’t all that great, but Le’Veon and his WR’s put up big numbers. Especially Cooks, 3 Thomas has been eh.

2nd) Kornheiser
Kristoff was #1 in the rankings, but had a rough week, mainly attributed to the insanely talented New York Giants lockdown of Alex Smith. And also, the Rams scored him -5 points.

And Honestly just looking at Boushbo’s team, the names are all reputable big scorers: Freeman, Ingram, Jordan Howard, Alshon, Stefon Diggs, Jerrick McKinnon, Dez Bryant, Kelvin Benjamin

TIE 3rd) Mike
Now this is being done before tonight’s game of which I have Russel Wilson left and Tevin Coleman–who is starting.

But Mikes team is back. He just went through a rough patch with Byes. Gurley, Lamar Miller, and Antonio Brown is hard to beat. Brees is not playing insanely well like he usually does because the Saints have been running the ball well, but when he puts up 20 points, Mike definitely will get 100+ production from those four.

TIE 3rd) Sean
WHAT A COMEBACK W!!!! RUSSEL WILSON YOU ARE GODLY. All his praying has paid off. In any case, I scathed by with a 117 point to 115 point win over Mike. It was evenly matched. Who would’ve thought I would come back for the W with only 76 points going into the Monday night game. Russell and Tevin Colenan putting up 41 points. Russ put the seahawks and the Krispy Kareem’s on his back.

5th) Mead
126 Points in one week is so good. Marvin Jones has been doing really well, Davante Adams is the #1 in GB, Wentz being Wentz, and Kenny Stills truly does love Matt Moore. And Melvin Gordon is the goat and Top5, but again, Adams and Stills easily can bust, so we shall see. Overall, things looking up.

6th) Mark

Screen Shot 2017-11-20 at 11.36.17 AMMark’s team is back like Jesus. If he can put up the numbers he has been doing, then he could make a run for the playoffs. He definitely has a chance now at 5-6. I keep saying, “okay, but there is no way Mark’s team can keep up those numbers.” But then he keeps putting up 90+ numbers.

7th) James
I have not put Jim’s team too high recently because he just hasn’t put up good numbers recently. 87, 76,80, 69,46 the last 5 weeks. Fortunately, that number is trending upwards. The shining spots on the team are fournette, TB12, and DeAndre Hopkins. Unfortunately, fournette has been missing games due to being a dick and injuries, and still didn’t do too hot last game. And Hopkins has suffered brutally because of Tom Savage. And Mike Evans hasn’t scored 10+ points since week 7.

8th) Pete
I think that this proves how much the loss of Zeke and A-Rog does. Dak is a good backup to Aaron, but is still nowhere near as good. -2 points last night, woof.

9th) Dave
Finally, dave puts up numbers!Ajayi is great on the eagles and Latavius Murray was a huge add. I partly have Dave ahead of Conor because of how bad conor has been at managing.

10th) Conor
Conor put at 10th because of the blatant mismanagement and absurdly wrong miscalculations. Nate Peterman, woof. Conor got rid of Lag Blount, Mark Ingram, and Latavius Murray (who has been killing TD’s) and Russel Wilson who is #1 right now. Mixon can’t top 15 points. And Jordy Nelson and Julio Jones aren’t doing well, and Marqise Lee just had a little hot streak, but couldn’t get it going this weekend.

 Screen Shot 2017-11-21 at 2.38.09 PM.png
A possible explanation as to the awful managing of Need to Get it Together? The Weedman: The weed’s grand return.

Announcements and Issues

Announcements

As commissioner of this fine league, I have decided to change my official title. Effective immediately, the title of Commissioner will henceforth be known as Supreme Chief Commandant Director-Master Administrator-Governor of Bavaro Supervision, Or S.C.C.D.M.A.G.B.S. McNamara.

I want to give a big thank you to everyone that made this possible, mainly this page: “50 Synonyms for ‘Leader'” on Daily Writing Tips. Go take a look, it’s as boring as you might think. Like a dictionary. Or thesaurus.

ISSUES

Dues

Just as a reminder, PAY YOUR FUCKING DUES. Anyone who hasn’t paid their dues by the end of the regular season will forcibly removed from the Mark Bavaro League. This is a league of Extraordinary managers, not GM’s-who-pay-their-dues-late-and-are-only-ordinary–hold the extra.

The 2016 Capital Punishment Enactment

The regular season play is officially 75% finished (it’s actually 76.923077% finished, only counting game days–not including day by day…Literally 10-games/13-games= 76.923077%).

Any-who, I’d like to pose a few considerations as this season nears its end. As the league’s representative–elected to be the spoken voice of the league’s concerns, I ask the managers to discuss with me on a couple of hot issues.

First and foremost, Jim must take the bus. I think we all agree that Jim cannot draft unless he has served his penance. Otherwise, we must look into other manager options. I know that the offense coordinator in the Gowen house-hold, Matty Ice, is looking for a Head Coaching or GM position.

Secondly, regarding Jimmy, we have given him opportunities time and time again. The Gammond Administration allowed that the bus be moved from Ohio to Eerie, and then Eerie to Pittsburgh. I even offered up the keys to my apartment–should he want a night of rest before heading home–or I’d host him if I were living in Pittsburgh. To show the new, strong hand of discipline of this administration, we must convey that this egregious bus-avoidance will not be tolerated. I hold that a smaller, supplemental pnunishment be enforced. Maybe Jim wear a dress on the bus, or go hammered, or wear a shirt that says, “I lost Bavaro Fantasy Football.”

Thirdly, we must discuss a deadline for Jim’s bus adventure, in addition to how his punishment will be embursed.

The 2017 Punishment

The last issue I want to keep fresh in your minds is the spray painting of Bavaro’s 10th Place Manager’s skin.

Unfortunately for whomever loses (Dave), due to the catastrophic lack of implementation of Jim’s 12 hour bus-sentence, we must ensure that this issue never occur again. That is why the league will require the punishment be served before next year’s draft–only allowing for extreme extenuating circumstances will there be any sort of tolerance–and any excuses must be approved by a 75% vote of managers, with atleast a six manager quoroum. I can promise you that during my tenure as SCCDMAGBS, I will never let last year’s administrative collapse happen again.

Ok we need to figure out where to get a spray tan, when that person is getting it, how much it will cost, what color to choose, how permanent we want it, and whether or not we want to write something on the person’s body (I.e. like tape the word “bavaro” to to the loser’s back so that when the tan is done, weremove the tape so it says ‘bavaro’ in pale ass letters).

Divisions

I know a lot of people wanted new divisions this year, but it couldnt happen because we couldn’t swing the caucus vote–plus some liked their rivalries, and the DFC is a madhouse.

Anyway, I put our names in a radnomizer and refreshed it 10 times. The first 5 names would be in the DFC, and the last 5 names would be in the PFC. Of course, this is all just conjecture and is hypotheical for now. We have time to discuss. Peep–there’s a suprise ending.

Just learned how to do this and really wanted to give it a go. Anyway, if we don’t like them or don’t think they’re different enough they can obviously be changed, but the randomizer split the divisions:

DFC

PFC

Man Dime

Mead

Conor

Pete

Alex

Chris

Dave

Jim

Mike

Sean


 

That is all for tonight. It has been a pleasure serving as your commissioner so far. I hope this sparks some debate and discussion. Love when the MBL group chat is active. I am always trying to improve Bavaro, which is seemingly a fool’s errand because Bavaro is already flawless.

Remember to do your pets a favor, get them nuetered and spade.

See you all next week at Friday Fastiggi Fight Night.

Sean McNamara

Screen Shot 2017-11-14 at 9.48.07 PM

Supreme Chief Commandant Director-Master Administrator-Governor of Bavaro Supervision of the Mark Bavaro League 

Power Rankings Week 10-11

Can’t wait to see you pumpkins over Thanksgiving. I give thanks to you, and I also give fantasy football beat downs. And I am thankful for those beat downs.

Didn’t write rankings for last week. So lets just say these were week 9-10’s rankings:

Week 9-10

  1. Alex
  2. Sean
  3. Chris
  4. Mike
  5. Pete
  6. Mead
  7. Conor
  8. Jim
  9. Mark
  10. Dave

**If you want an explanation, feel free to not text me. It really doesn’t matter.

Week 10-11 Quick list

1st) Kornheiser

2nd) Alex

3rd) Sean

4th) Pete

5th) Mike

6th) Mead

TIE 7th) Conor

TIE 7th) Mark

9th) Jim

10th) Dave

 

 

My tired, don’t-really-feel-like-explaining, Explanations.

1st–Korn

Has only one game less than 110 points in the last 5 weeks. I think. I didn’t check, but I think it’s the last 5 weeks.

2nd) Alex

Tied for 2nd best record with Mike, usually scores over 90. Makes good adjustments.

3rd) Me

Best record but my team isn’t first anymore because I haven’t put up good numbers recently. Little worried about Kareem and Lesean. I fucking suck I cannot believe I lost to conor. I am collapsing.

4th) Pete

Somehow keeps putting up near 100-point games. Very boom or bust. Still, it’s wild.

5th) Mike

I once thought he had the best team. I don’t really know what is happening. Well, Brees isn’t playing like Drew Brees. There’s one. Still, the numbers don’t lie, even though he’s got the 2nd best record.

6th) Mead

Good Dub against me. What the hell happened against Mark?

TIE 7th) Conor

Conor has the ability to put up numbers but tends to disappoint, week in and Week out. Also, your name is the only one not aligned to the center. That has got to mean something.

TIE 7th) Dime

Mark can no longer be considered trash as he is not in last anymore. Somehow, Mark tends to put up respectable numbers. So the Dime climbs the Power Rankings.

9th) Jim

Now I know Jim’s team is usually considered one of the better squads, but Jim just hasn’t put up big enough numbered in the last like 4 weeks. I’d like to be proven wrong next week and move him back up the rankings.

10th) Dave

Just can’ catch a break—The last in standings and the last in rankings. I can’t believe Dave started out 2-0. Going 1-7 the last 8 weeks is just rough.

 

Adios Gerentes.

 

NFL Power Rankings Going into Week 9

Here is a hot take of my NFL Power Rankings going into Week Nine. Oh yeah, these are better than that psychopath Chris Simm’s rankings… dude has the craziest look in his eye after his awful NFL career breakdown. Anyway, enjoy.

  1. E-A-G-L-E-S. EAGLES! (7-1)

Ginger advocate Carson Wentz sold his soul to the devil so the Eagles could be the best team in the league.

Screen Shot 2017-11-03 at 1.01.05 AMWentz makes his mediocre WR’s Alshon Jeffrey, Ertz, Torrey Smith, and Nelson Agholor look like they don’t deserve their shitty madden ratings. That Offensive Line must be made entirely of those kids they say are related to Ghangis Khan because they’re like the Great Wall of China. Also, my dude Ajayi offering a shifty side to complement the Fat Blount…just wow.

2. The Chiefs (6-2)

The Chief of Headcoaches Andy Reid has turned this team around, though it takes him about a year to fully spin on his orbit.

Screen Shot 2017-11-03 at 1.01.45 AMCouldn’t even wrap the text around this big boy. Wash up Alex Smith has finally got out of his drier cycle, Krispy Kareem and Tyfreak run an offense that just can’t be kept up with.

And that defense? They’re good I think.

3. Patriots

The wins haven’t been too pretty, but damn if Tom Brady isn’t the Derek Jeter of the NFL, then spank me hot and call me Andy Reid’s right nipple. He is too clutch. Some call it cheating, I call it clutch. The defense sucks, but if they’re progressing.

4. C-Hawks (5-2)

Though their offensive line and running game is total crap, the virgin Russell Wilson is just playing like God Damn Jesus. The defense is playing pretty well, but god damn Russ is a competitor. His ability to run away from defenders like he did for years with vaginas is too damn much for other defenses.

5. Dykings (6-2)

How the f**k are the Vikings 6-2? I thought Case Keenum was trash. The defense for the Vikings has done well and their O-line is all that those pussies over at Bleacher Report talk about. The offensive line is doing so well that anyone you throw in back there is gonna do well.

6. NOLA (5-2)

What is uglier, New Orleans after Hurrican Katrina or Drew Brees’s birthmark?

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For a while, their defense was classified as a level 3 hurricane. But as of late, the Saints D has been locking teams down.

The Saints offense has and always will be a high scoring team with Drew back there, so with the Defense playing well, the Saints are actually a solid team. Also, I am glad Arian Peterson isn’t on the team anymore…he didn’t fit into Sean Payton’s operation where he’d have the Saints pay players extra money to knock people out of games. Other NFL players were a little older than the people AP is used to beating.

7. PIT (6-2)

The Steelers are the most undeserving 6-2 team. I like watching the Steelers on occasion, but Big Ben literally has been GIVING the ball to the other team. For real, it’s like Big Ben has money on himself throwing the most interceptions in a single season. Le’Veon just started playing better and the defense gets a solid B+, but damn, AB’s little bitch out on the sidelines and Martavis Bryant crying for the ball is not the steel city mentality. Only good Ju Ju allowed you whiners, only good JuJu (smith-shuster).

8. Bills (5-3)

Love em. Don’t care what you say, they are top 10. They looked fucking awful tonight, but still.  That defense is doing well, Tyrod seems to have finally hit his stride. Kinda.  Lesean McCoy is the GOAT, and they made god damn moves with Kelvin Benjamin. Absolute Kelvin, Jordy Nelson, and Zay Jones is a solid WR corps. haven’t made the playoffs since 1999 which isn’t great, but whatever.

9. Ramhole (5-2)

cRAM it up your cRAM hole, Lafluer. Was it the stardom with the move to LA? Was it the fact that Sean McVay has been jamming magic “good coaching” dildos up his ass? The world may never know, but a few things are for sure: GoffDaddy is playing better than expected, the defense is doing iight, and Todd Gurley is killing it in fantasy, so ya know, they’re solid.

10. The Cowboys Are back, the boys are back (4-3)

Yeah Zeke is finally gone because he beat a woman (any Joe Mixon updates, btw?), but will that affect the team that much? That offensive line is so good that the Cowboys are putting up super high scoring games and they’re fun as hell to watch. They’re 4-3, but they were tough losses, and I really don’t know who else I’d put as better than them.

11. Cam and his PussyCats (5-3)

Screen Shot 2017-11-03 at 1.10.09 AMOh yeah, I was debating putting the Panthers higher than the Cowboys. But I just cannot get around the fact that Cam is playing like he is a Camgirl for those websites that pop up when you are watching porn. His offense doesn’t have a lot of weapons and McCaffrey is playing how you might expect considering he is…. different. The defense has struggled lately and so I just don’t think they’re top10.

 

All the rest of the teams kind of suck.

12. The Packers…? (4-3)

I guess would be next even without A-rog?

They definitely still seem like they’re struggling. They should throw Mike McCarthy’s fat ass in there.

13. The Detroit Loiiiiins (3-4)

The loins had a Win taken back from them by the Damn Dirty Ape Refs. The Lions defense is playing good as hell according to ESPN Fantasy App, and Matt Stafford just became the richest man in the league. They’re doing alright man, they’re doing alright (Gave Stafford all that cash so he’d never leave, ensuring they’ll never go 0-16 while he is around).

14. The Jags (4-4)

Because Fournette is running so well that he is far in distance away from all the problems he had while in Louisiana…. hush hush. Bortles stopped Bortling this season and the Wide receivers aren’t shitting the bed like last year (thanks fucking Allen Robinson). And the defense is always good.

15. Tight-asses (4-3)

Marcus MAriota’s little ass has been rammed not only by the Rams, but all four o their teams this year. Everyone said they’d be good, but the run-game seems like it doesn’t know what it wants to do and the passing game has been subpar (Eric Decker, take your dick out of your smoke show of a wife and catch something). Any team that goes to overtime with the Browns and wins on a field goal to go up 0-3 (basically it was like watching a game that was 0-0) deserves to get rammed in the ass.

16. The Broncos (3-4)

The Broncos defense is obviously so good…having a running back on your fantasy team that is playing them is a nightmare. After their first three or four games, I would have said they were one of the best in the NFL. And then Trevor Simian became Trevor Seman-Guzzler and the entire offense turned the ball over way too many times to throw them on the losing streak.

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Trevor’s little peep is legit being grabbed here….For real is Trevor Semen.

Moving along, a good defense is NOT a good offense because the Broncos offense has looked abysmal.

Is big cock Brock the answer? In any case, Trevor Simian stepping over and swallowing his pride…and semen.

17. Falcons (4-3)

Matty-Ice has been ice cold as the Falcons have been shitting the bed. The defense is apparently supposed to be good, but barely beat the Jets.

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Matt Ryan has a ton of weapons to use too (Devonta Freeman, Tevin Coleman, Julia Jones, Sanu, Taylor Gabriel, Hoooooooooop), but just can’t seem to get that MVP caliber playback. Makes the Pats comeback win last year less fun.

This picture is funny as shit. I can just feel Matt Ryan’s hair falling out from offensive stress.

 

18. Jets (3-4)

Speaking of things that have been a disappointment, The Jets definitely have not. Oh fuck you, I know you think differently…sorry I have an original thought for once don’t think the Jets suck too badly. For a team that lost Eric Decker and Quincy Enunwa, and didn’t know who their QB was, the team is scrappy as ell. They smacked the Bills and almost beat the Pats, and lost to the dolphins.  McCown’s chin is impressively large.

19. Cry me a Dry Phillip Rivers (3-5)

This joke was so fucking bad. It was meant to jab at the fact that Rivers constantly has temper tantrums and is “dry” because they moved to LA and California always is in a drought, but I realized that even that doesn’t make fucking sense because they were in San Diego before they moved.

Anyway, yeah, the offense is really good just not playing to their full potential. Started out bad, won 3 in a row, lost another, and he we are. They should win some more. Hey, I’ll go to some LA Chargers games is Phillip ramps up the tantrums.

20. The Raiders (3-5)

The Raiders have been conducting their team like a reality TV show. We’re going to Vegas Bitch!!!!!!! Marshawn Lynch took a second from getting a blowie from Pat McCafee so he could fight a ref on behalf of Marcus Peters. In any case, Marshawn hasn’t been the stud we thought he’d be in the raiders. Amari Cooper has been fucking absent except for that one week, and Derek Carr has been putting on so much eyeliner that he’s considering a career change in Drag.

21. MIAMI (4-3)

nothing to do with football, but has there ever been a less intimidating mascot? I wonder if that is why the Ace Ventura used the Dolphin mascot because it was the least intimidating live animal. In any case, they’re the only team without a rushing touchdown, but the only team with Jay Chicken Cutlets. No More Moore sucked last week. Just throwing that out there. Head Coach Adam Gase literally said his players suck, and the one piece of light, Jay Ajayi, is at the Eagles.

22. The Redskins (3-4)

YOU LIKE THAT? This weekend, the Cowboys straight up dragged the Redskins down the Trail of Tears like our foreskin fathers did when Romo’s (4x) great-grandfather made the Indians get badly beaten in foosball. Jon Gruden’s less successful and wy less funny younger brother couldn’t lead to warriors of Kirk’s Rebellion to beat Jerry Jone’s and his butt puppet’s.

Anyway, Kirk doesn’t have WR’s to throw to, though he has been actually playing pretty well. The Skins offensive line is made of college 3rd string o-lineman. The defense is okay, but Josh Norman’s squadron is too banged up to play well.

23. Houston’s Hurricane Harvey (3-4).

After the Hurricane, the Texans basically were playing Water Polo out there. I mean, damn, how the hell did the city flood that much?

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Anyway, with Deshaun and Houston’s spoiled little prick son JJ Watt hurt, let us all take a moment of silence for the Texan’s season.

Look at this little fucking bitch. “Oh my finger? Yeah, I just broke it in three places and dislocated it… it was really nothing I am just too tough to tell you how much it hurt. I only cried watching Bambi twice.”

“Just not gonna wipe my nose so the paparazzi can get a sweet pic…taste the blood, drink your motivation…NOBODY MAKES JJ BLEED HIS OWN BLOOD.”

The remaining teams fucking blow. Fuck you JJ.

24. The members of this team are part of an Elite squad known as the special victims unit (4-4)

Joe Flacco isn’t elite. Doesn’t he have the 2nd worst passer rating? Edgar Allen Poe wrote “The Raven” as a nod to their awful offensive production. The defense is back to the old Ravens defense now as they are just fucking killing it in fantasy. After player with the most fun name to say, Kiko Alonso, almost murdered Flacco, Ryan Mallett will be getting the start for this shitty offense. Get John Harbaugh some anti-coagulants to get his damn blood pressure down… that man is a psycho.

25. The Bengals (3-4)

The Red Rocket and his whacky ass eyebrows haven’t been enough to instill fear into defenses eyes.

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Does he open beer bottles with those eyebrows?

The Bengals offensive line is so bad that I fear for Andy Dalton’s safety every snap. The defense is actually been good against the run, but NOT GOOd ENOUGH. Dalt literally only has AJ Green to throw it to–the other WR’s have been ass jones….come on Tyler Boyd rep Pitt, man. Joe Mixon hasn’t lived up to the hype, but demanded more opportunities for the ball and to make a play. The staff should listen to his warning unless they wanna get a Mixon Lickin like that poor woman.

26. The Cardinals (3-4)

Speaking of hitting humans, Adrian Peterson looked like he was back to being a savage against the Bucs. It was a little shine of light for their disappointing team–someone to take David Johnson’s spot. But last week, the truth came out as AP’s ass got rammed by the Rams. The defense has disappointed as well, although it doesn’t help when the offense goes three and you every time. With Carson Palmer out for the szn, the Cardinals are bound to eat ass the rest of the season…in the bad way.

Someone tell AP to imagine the defense as his kids (kinda like The Waterboy) so he can just truck through them.

27. The Tampa Bay Cuckaneers (2-5)

The Tampa Bucs have an awful defense. Though they’re 2-5, their wins were against the Giant Pussies and the Bears. Doug Martin is off suspension and playing like the best shitty running back. Jameis has had his focus on those crabs he stole back in the day.

Deadliest Catch, without the crabs, we’re almost out of gas, Call the ARABS!!!! We sail around the world going port to port, every time I cum I produce a quart.

He should be focusing on getting the ball to Mike Evans and Desean Jackson, the duo of which have been a massive disappointment. Also, Desean Jackson is the Aldi’s brand of Terrell Owens.

28. Da Bears (3-4)

Tarik Cohen is no longer able to channel his inner Darren Sproles, and the Bears have been struggling. Zach Miller almost lost his leg and DID lose the TD, and Jordan Howard can’t seem to get anything going. Mitchell Trubisky is a playmaker, but he can’t keep winning with few competitions (averaging 9.5 completions in last 4 games). The defense is crap. Bears take absolutely massive shits, like their team is this season.

29. Colts out of Luck (2-6)

What would be better for Colt’s fans…getting hammered every Sunday or the Stanford Stickler coming back from his injury? Well, Andy is dandy, but liquor is quicker. Drink up INDY because you are out of Luck…get it? He’s on IR for the season. I still don’t know what his injury is. In any case, The Colts suck all around…even old as shit Frank the Tank Gore isn’t doing well. PEACE Chuck Pagano.

30.  The 49ers (0-8)

The 49ers are allotted one more loss until they have to go on a four-game win streak so they can be the 4-9ers (or the 4-9 49er, or the 492ers). I wonder how many times that joke has been made. Why aren’t the 49ers either the worst or second worst team in the league? Because so many of their games were lost by less than 3…the wins have to start coming soon. With Jimmy the Kid Garappolo, maybe the 49ers will start winning. They suck otherwise.

31. The Giant Vaginas

The New York Giants have been playing worse than Ben MacAdoo’s mustache and hairstyle looks.

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We heard that all these moves int he offseason were made to make them awesome…you know, Brandom Marshall and Evan Engram joining ODBJ and Sterling Shepard to give Eli some targets he can just throw in the general direction at. Paul Perkins was coming back who was apparently good for a second but ended up sucking balls. Even though Shep, B-Marsh, and ODBJ went down with injuries, did we ever really expect the Giants to be good?

I mean, at absolute best, Eli would just toss the ball up and hope for the best with his WR’s.

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The Giants haven’t had a good RB since Tiki Barber… and Tiki wasn’t even to good Barber brother–well, that isn’t entirely true…remember that one season they threw that fat fuck Brandon Jacob’s in there and they told him there was a buffet in the end zone and that all the opposing players were made of vegetables?

 

The Rooney’s should think about firing MacAdoo’s lip landing strip.

32.The Browns…

…are so bad. Pick a god damn quarterback and stick with him….Hogan and Kizer must have like zero confidence now. Run the fucking ball with Duke Johnson and Isaiah Crowell….dudes were studs in college and all I heard in the preseason was “how good the Browns offensive line is.” FAKE NEWS. Everyone said “draft Crowell… Hugh Jackson said he regrets not running it with Crowell more and he’s gonna get a ton of carries…he was sneakily top20 last year.” MY ASS. Crowell has been trash. And the run defense is actually solid….so focus on the damn pass defense.

Can the Dolans and the Cavs owners like sit down the Brown’s owners Jimmy and Dee Haslem and be like, “yo, fucking start winning like SOME games…anything that is just somewhat respectable…trade or get new coaches or do SOMETHING.”

Not a Browns fan in the slightest it is just almost annoying how bad they always are. I mean, The Cavs and The Indians are so damn good right now and the Browns just haven’t pulled their weight in years.