Power Rankings Weeks 11-12

Happy Thanksgiving League Members. I know that we joke all the time and smack talk is integral to our league, but I love this league with all my heart. We are different from every other league because we all put forth the effort. I am proud.

Fantasy Genesis: 

Was the Pilgrim’s religious freedom worth it? You left because you feared persecution for not being members of the Church of England. But you constantly fear an attack from the savage, barbaric Natives anyway–the Indians. You knew they were not from India, but you said fuck it and decided to call them Indians anyway.

You thought you’d have more food here in New England, but it is bloody fucking cold and you can’t plant jack shit on the land. You were studying to be a plumber, how the hell do you plant anything?

You are constantly sick, and constantly tired. There is an old lady in the town that just sort of stands there and stares at you, and you can’t seem to get away from her. She is so scary, the way she watches you like that.  She is in your nightmares, so you called her a witch and burned her. Now you’re a killer, on top of dealing with starvation, sickness, your starving kids, and crippling depression.

And to top it off, you are pretty sure one of the Mayflower’s crew members fucked your wife.

Then, Squanto came, and he said:

“ee-nay-chuck, we’ll show how to live you cucks. In exchange, you will help us set up our Fantasy League… does this tickle your intrigue? We Indians invented the art of timing our rhyming.”

And so, the Pilgrims explained that for a Fantasy league to exist, they must first set up the  NFL. And so, the creation of the Football, the NFL, and Fantasy leagues was celebrated between the two groups during the feast of Thanksgiving. The

The first Fantasy League’s commissioner was deemed John Smith.

And at the finale of the meal, the Indians asked that an NFL team be named the “Redskins” and that they be “America’s team.”

And then the Cowboys went West and demolished all of the Native Americans, and the Cowboys created their own team, ousting the Resdkins, and self-proclaiming that they are America’s team for the “white man.”

Now, we celebreate the creation of Football and Fantasy Football every Thanksgiving. True Story.


Don’t Call it A Cumback

As the clock wound down, I prayed for a Blair Walsh miss so that the C-Hawx would lose to the Falcons.

Antonio Brown put up an absurd 32 points last Thursday. It looked grim for my team. A win looked unlikely.

Come Monday, Stealth was up 110-76. He projected at 115, and I projected at a meager 102. But low and behold, Russ the Bus Willy is Silly went nuts scoring Touchdown’s and ran for an insane amount of yards. It was like having an extra runninback play along with my QB.

When Krispy Kareem took the lead of 117-115 and Blair Walsh went out to kick the field goal, I prayed he’d miss, so that the game wouldn’t go into overtime. I did not want the risk of Mike’s Seahawks D/ST to get a chance to overturn anything or get any points.

And his pussy little leg couldn’t reach the field goal. Game over, Krispy wins.

Quickie

1st) Alex
2nd) Kornheiser
TIE 3rd)  Sean
TIE 3rd) Stealth
5th) Mead
6th) Mark
7th) Pete
8th) Jim
9th) Dave
10th) Conor

So far, every time I have placed a team first (except for Alex), they have disappointed dramatically in the game(s) afterward:

PR Weeks one to three (Dave ranked #1): Went on 7 games losing streak
PR Weeks four to seven (Mike 1st): Went on a 3 game losing streak
PR Weeks eight to nine (Me 1st): Went on 3 game losing streak
PR Week ten (Chris 1st): Scored 65 in loss to Dave.

1st) The Underdog
Alex really doesn’t ever really put up bad numbers. His lows are like in the high 80s.  He scored 113 this week and will secure his first place in the DFC. Chris Thompson being out hurts and Mariota isn’t all that great, but Le’Veon and his WR’s put up big numbers. Especially Cooks, 3 Thomas has been eh.

2nd) Kornheiser
Kristoff was #1 in the rankings, but had a rough week, mainly attributed to the insanely talented New York Giants lockdown of Alex Smith. And also, the Rams scored him -5 points.

And Honestly just looking at Boushbo’s team, the names are all reputable big scorers: Freeman, Ingram, Jordan Howard, Alshon, Stefon Diggs, Jerrick McKinnon, Dez Bryant, Kelvin Benjamin

TIE 3rd) Mike
Now this is being done before tonight’s game of which I have Russel Wilson left and Tevin Coleman–who is starting.

But Mikes team is back. He just went through a rough patch with Byes. Gurley, Lamar Miller, and Antonio Brown is hard to beat. Brees is not playing insanely well like he usually does because the Saints have been running the ball well, but when he puts up 20 points, Mike definitely will get 100+ production from those four.

TIE 3rd) Sean
WHAT A COMEBACK W!!!! RUSSEL WILSON YOU ARE GODLY. All his praying has paid off. In any case, I scathed by with a 117 point to 115 point win over Mike. It was evenly matched. Who would’ve thought I would come back for the W with only 76 points going into the Monday night game. Russell and Tevin Colenan putting up 41 points. Russ put the seahawks and the Krispy Kareem’s on his back.

5th) Mead
126 Points in one week is so good. Marvin Jones has been doing really well, Davante Adams is the #1 in GB, Wentz being Wentz, and Kenny Stills truly does love Matt Moore. And Melvin Gordon is the goat and Top5, but again, Adams and Stills easily can bust, so we shall see. Overall, things looking up.

6th) Mark

Screen Shot 2017-11-20 at 11.36.17 AMMark’s team is back like Jesus. If he can put up the numbers he has been doing, then he could make a run for the playoffs. He definitely has a chance now at 5-6. I keep saying, “okay, but there is no way Mark’s team can keep up those numbers.” But then he keeps putting up 90+ numbers.

7th) James
I have not put Jim’s team too high recently because he just hasn’t put up good numbers recently. 87, 76,80, 69,46 the last 5 weeks. Fortunately, that number is trending upwards. The shining spots on the team are fournette, TB12, and DeAndre Hopkins. Unfortunately, fournette has been missing games due to being a dick and injuries, and still didn’t do too hot last game. And Hopkins has suffered brutally because of Tom Savage. And Mike Evans hasn’t scored 10+ points since week 7.

8th) Pete
I think that this proves how much the loss of Zeke and A-Rog does. Dak is a good backup to Aaron, but is still nowhere near as good. -2 points last night, woof.

9th) Dave
Finally, dave puts up numbers!Ajayi is great on the eagles and Latavius Murray was a huge add. I partly have Dave ahead of Conor because of how bad conor has been at managing.

10th) Conor
Conor put at 10th because of the blatant mismanagement and absurdly wrong miscalculations. Nate Peterman, woof. Conor got rid of Lag Blount, Mark Ingram, and Latavius Murray (who has been killing TD’s) and Russel Wilson who is #1 right now. Mixon can’t top 15 points. And Jordy Nelson and Julio Jones aren’t doing well, and Marqise Lee just had a little hot streak, but couldn’t get it going this weekend.

 Screen Shot 2017-11-21 at 2.38.09 PM.png
A possible explanation as to the awful managing of Need to Get it Together? The Weedman: The weed’s grand return.

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Seany Mac

After everyone's efforts, I am Officially Aware of Cancer.

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